Parenting is important work - whether together, separate or alone. We need a vision and a thoughtful strategy to nurture and discipline based on a set of values and a lot of love and some luck. This foundation may guide us through the tumultuous, complex and rewarding journey that begins with a loving union. I share this article based on Samantha's and my experiences as parents.
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Many of us look back at our simple childhood without much technology - and some of us did not even have electricity in our homes, let alone TV or a telephone - and idealise it. Now with all this technology, life is fast paced and globally interconnected. The competition is high and more than ever, media and social pressure defines what is cool and what is not. All this complexity adds a lot more stress to a growing child.
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Many of us look back at our simple childhood without much technology - and some of us did not even have electricity in our homes, let alone TV or a telephone - and idealise it. Now with all this technology, life is fast paced and globally interconnected. The competition is high and more than ever, media and social pressure defines what is cool and what is not. All this complexity adds a lot more stress to a growing child.
We as parents may feel a gap in
understanding our two worlds. As the gap
widens we may lose control.
Maybe it is ok to let go as Poet Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet says;
Maybe it is ok to let go as Poet Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet says;
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| Kahlil Gibran - Times of India Photo |
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they
belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they
have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the
house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life
goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
If we are to have an impact on who they will become, find the right balance to influence and teach and guide them, as they leave our clutches at a much younger age in a fast paced world....
Listening deeply to the Sage advice of Gibran, we learn to let go, but let go with love, letting them know we are always there.
We differ about giving our thoughts, as it is our thoughts through our experiences, that will guide them first to make their own choices, as they grow to their tomorrow with their own thoughts. We then do our best to walk the talk with values of respect, honesty, generosity, graciousness and integrity.
If we are to have an impact on who they will become, find the right balance to influence and teach and guide them, as they leave our clutches at a much younger age in a fast paced world....
Listening deeply to the Sage advice of Gibran, we learn to let go, but let go with love, letting them know we are always there.
We differ about giving our thoughts, as it is our thoughts through our experiences, that will guide them first to make their own choices, as they grow to their tomorrow with their own thoughts. We then do our best to walk the talk with values of respect, honesty, generosity, graciousness and integrity.
From Year Dot
We begin by cherishing the birth of this miracle gift of life, we are selfless in the way we nurture the helpless infant, giving but not expecting back, so this new life has a chance to make it in the world to do good. We realize the child belongs to all, the community, the world, nature around us - as how the child lives life will impact us all.
We nurture mutual trust with the child in the way we communicate appropriately through time, so they will explore new ways of learning.
As interesting conversations happen around 4 – you may teach the basics of breathing - our life force. Show them how it gets short and shallow when they are anxious, scared and angry. Show them how they breathe deep into the lungs when they are relaxed and happy. Continue to reinforce this teaching so they can always come home for their breath.
Around 7, introduce them to meditation by focusing on their breath. With practice they will learn to follow their mind and the roller coaster of emotions - their feelings and needs. They will become mindful of their thoughts and realize the power to control them for skillful action. When they quiet the mind, they will learn they are one with nature.
Take them to the wilds to be among trees and the bounty of nature. Show them your respect for the tree as it is connected to the breath and life. They will learn that every creature, every plant - tiny or large - is a part of this web of life.
Teach them about a balanced diet as what they ingest into their bodies stay for a long time. Try your best to keep them away from sugar water of various colors and fast food.
Teach them about the wonders of their body and mind through yoga, leading to their balance and well being. Encourage creativity, to draw, to sing and dance, so they get attuned to the rhythm of life - as all life is a beat, just like the heart beats to a rhythm, the child learns the patterns of life.
Teach the child martial arts - the ultimate challenge to learn their limits, to quiet the mind, listen carefully, see and read the signals and learn to react even before the other raises a hand. They will learn to fine tune their intuition - the sixth sense - the awareness of body and mind. With martial arts, they will find power – the power of balance.
Teach them language and the skill of communication, to listen well, read body language and to articulate with respect. Show them the power of words as it can build relationships or break them. Teach them to negotiate, not for zero sum, but for win-win.
Practice gratitude - teach them to appreciate daily, the bounty they have.
Then and only then are they ready for math, science and the arts of the rational, material world, as that is the world they have to learn to survive and thrive in.
We feed their self esteem with appreciation balanced with tough love as appropriate, so they are responsible for their actions.
Even as they leave us, continue to give them a sense of belonging, a sense of community, always a place to call home.
We can let go of the child with high self esteem and love in their hearts, as they will understand the world, its suffering and imperfections as nature is, and live in it gracefully with power of balance.
This then requires us parents - together or not - to synchronize, agree on a code of practice to support each other, be consistent with our messaging - find equanimity, as life is full of trials and tribulations, as we face our own challenges with our lives, work and the outside world.
We will make mistakes - we will lose our temper, but always come back and make amends.
An apology out of a parent shows we are also human and fallible, that we also lose our balance every so often, but that our intentions are good, that we love them unconditionally no matter their failures, so they are assured that they have a safe place in our hearts and in their home.
To be good parents, we have to be strategic, plan and coordinate to find our power of balance and to accept that all that we teach may not be heeded.
With this foundation a child may become mindful, fearless, centered, grounded and confident to face the world, a world they have to influence to change to become more resilient, sustainable, more peaceful and harmonious, as we adults lament what we leave behind is not perfect, but at least, we equip the child to be skillful at life and find that power of balance.
We can then heed Gibran and let them go when they are ready with their own thoughts, as they are a life longing for themselves...
....But fledgelings learn to fly,
We begin by cherishing the birth of this miracle gift of life, we are selfless in the way we nurture the helpless infant, giving but not expecting back, so this new life has a chance to make it in the world to do good. We realize the child belongs to all, the community, the world, nature around us - as how the child lives life will impact us all.
We nurture mutual trust with the child in the way we communicate appropriately through time, so they will explore new ways of learning.
As interesting conversations happen around 4 – you may teach the basics of breathing - our life force. Show them how it gets short and shallow when they are anxious, scared and angry. Show them how they breathe deep into the lungs when they are relaxed and happy. Continue to reinforce this teaching so they can always come home for their breath.
Around 7, introduce them to meditation by focusing on their breath. With practice they will learn to follow their mind and the roller coaster of emotions - their feelings and needs. They will become mindful of their thoughts and realize the power to control them for skillful action. When they quiet the mind, they will learn they are one with nature.
Take them to the wilds to be among trees and the bounty of nature. Show them your respect for the tree as it is connected to the breath and life. They will learn that every creature, every plant - tiny or large - is a part of this web of life.
Teach them about a balanced diet as what they ingest into their bodies stay for a long time. Try your best to keep them away from sugar water of various colors and fast food.
Teach them about the wonders of their body and mind through yoga, leading to their balance and well being. Encourage creativity, to draw, to sing and dance, so they get attuned to the rhythm of life - as all life is a beat, just like the heart beats to a rhythm, the child learns the patterns of life.
Teach the child martial arts - the ultimate challenge to learn their limits, to quiet the mind, listen carefully, see and read the signals and learn to react even before the other raises a hand. They will learn to fine tune their intuition - the sixth sense - the awareness of body and mind. With martial arts, they will find power – the power of balance.
Teach them language and the skill of communication, to listen well, read body language and to articulate with respect. Show them the power of words as it can build relationships or break them. Teach them to negotiate, not for zero sum, but for win-win.
Practice gratitude - teach them to appreciate daily, the bounty they have.
Then and only then are they ready for math, science and the arts of the rational, material world, as that is the world they have to learn to survive and thrive in.
We feed their self esteem with appreciation balanced with tough love as appropriate, so they are responsible for their actions.
Even as they leave us, continue to give them a sense of belonging, a sense of community, always a place to call home.
We can let go of the child with high self esteem and love in their hearts, as they will understand the world, its suffering and imperfections as nature is, and live in it gracefully with power of balance.
This then requires us parents - together or not - to synchronize, agree on a code of practice to support each other, be consistent with our messaging - find equanimity, as life is full of trials and tribulations, as we face our own challenges with our lives, work and the outside world.
We will make mistakes - we will lose our temper, but always come back and make amends.
An apology out of a parent shows we are also human and fallible, that we also lose our balance every so often, but that our intentions are good, that we love them unconditionally no matter their failures, so they are assured that they have a safe place in our hearts and in their home.
To be good parents, we have to be strategic, plan and coordinate to find our power of balance and to accept that all that we teach may not be heeded.
With this foundation a child may become mindful, fearless, centered, grounded and confident to face the world, a world they have to influence to change to become more resilient, sustainable, more peaceful and harmonious, as we adults lament what we leave behind is not perfect, but at least, we equip the child to be skillful at life and find that power of balance.
We can then heed Gibran and let them go when they are ready with their own thoughts, as they are a life longing for themselves...
....But fledgelings learn to fly,
And when they go,
You wait and watch,
They will return -
But only when they will,
Stand by then, until needed
For then,
They are your children still...
A poem Your Children by Dorothy Ludowijk Joseph - A Daughter of Lanka in her book of poetry Moments of Passion and of Peace.
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A Tribute to Samantha... "Super Ammi-Mom" and dedicated to our loving children - Sacha, Natalya, Aitana and Rahel..... who test our patience and bring us much joy and all the children on earth who deserve to be loved and set free....
You wait and watch,
They will return -
But only when they will,
Stand by then, until needed
For then,
They are your children still...
A poem Your Children by Dorothy Ludowijk Joseph - A Daughter of Lanka in her book of poetry Moments of Passion and of Peace.
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| Photo of the Elapata Gunaratnes by Manya Chadwick |
<lalith@sagetraining.org>
