Parents and Good Citizens

Gabi Szabadi, Ottawa based investor and mentor was surprised when I described myself as a parent and an entrepreneur.  He said, “So what - everyone is a parent”, to which I responded “There are parents and there are PARENTS”. 

As we settled into a lunch and a rich conversation in an Ottawa restaurant, also joined by Cindy Sezlik a leading Ottawa real estate agent, I went on to tell them how I took 6 – 8 weeks off every year to travel and spend time with the family.  It was especially important in those early years as I was away a lot on business.  This family time took a major financial hit, yet my wife Samantha and I knew, we were making another kind of investment with our children.  

I would also schedule my work and business trips around significant events like, birthdays, sports meets, concerts - so I was there to support and cheer them on.  

The Rules of Engagement

With the first born Sacha - Samantha set some rules of engagement and communications, which I initially resisted.  She proposed that we never argue nor contradict each other in his presence.  While she adhered, I had a hard time taking them seriously at the time, as I favour going with the flow and not comfortable with imposed boundaries. 

With time, I realized, as a significant person to the child, indulging in my emotions or being inconsistent in the way I acted may have adverse effects.  It could confuse or make him fearful and impact on his confidence and self esteem, as he tries to find his place in the world.   

As boundaries were important, Samantha also set a strict schedule for eating and sleeping, which I thought also, too rigid at the time.  In between the schedule, he had plenty of freedom to play, roam and explore, even do seemingly dangerous things like climb trees where he pushed his limits to discover self.

As the other kids were born, I saw a system and process in place, which made home life more organized and less frantic, and the children having a lot of leeway within the boundaries.  

The framework provided logical, rational references for everyone and that enabled the family to have some emotional equilibrium.  Everyone knew the rules, so breaking them had consequences - like me not being able to see the kids if I came home after 7 pm, as they were in bed by then.  Even though I felt frustrated not to play with them, I knew I had to deal with my emotion internally, as there was an agreement in place.

The Sacred Dinner Time

Another request Samantha made of me was to come home for family dinner.  This was a challenge in a social Colombo, Sri Lanka – the rugby and cricket club-houses often beckoned me for a pint on the way home.  Again, I realized due to my constant travelling, I was losing my relationship with the children. 

As I settled into the ritual of family dinner and as they got older, the conversation became interesting, lively and meaningful and at times, very challenging due to strong opinions coming from different positions.  

Asserting themselves in their own way, the power dynamics of the older vs younger took shape and we all realized the need to compromise, to give and take in order to honour everyone at the table.  We were also able to discuss some grave issues - the threats and the consequences of the civil war and poverty around us, which gave them an opportunity to voice their hopes and fears and to learn to be resilient, yet sensitive to all that.    

Lake Louise, Alberta - Summer 2016 

I attribute the wonderful and rewarding friendship I have with them now as adults, to the meaningful time we shared together in their formative years.  A real testament to this is the fact that they decided to quit jobs and significant others to do a 6 week family road trip across Canada and the USA in 2016.

Building Self Esteem

An important lesson I learned through my research and work with organizations, schools, teachers and youth was about emotional intelligence and self esteem.  Self esteem is predicated on our belief of how significant others see and judge us.  It begins first with parents, in the way we love, nurture and give feedback.  I realized the power of communications – language, words, tone and most importantly, how we walk the talk that shape the children’s view of self and the world.

It did not mean heaping praise when it was not deserved, yet to recognize and appreciate good behaviour and outcomes - like winning a race, a prize or when they were generous or stood up for what is right.  It also meant having those tough conversations with reason, when they over stepped their bounds, to help them change the behaviour without humiliating them.   

Here, we had to manage our emotions first to be logical and rational.  This was not always easy, as I fell prey to my emotions and lost it every so often.  Even if I did - making amends - apologizing for my reaction became a way to show them I was a fallible human being too.

Creating a happy, joyful and a positive home also gave the children a sense of security and well-being, which fed their confidence and self esteem.  That meant, Samantha and I had to manage our own challenges and differences - and there were many.  

Samantha and I were explicit in acting within the Value of respect.  It meant not swearing or using the word “hate”, as words posses a powerful energy.  These ground rules also applied for our relationship with our own professional and domestic staff, who could be taken advantage of, if those discussions were not had.

Eva Olsson’s Advice to Parents

Eva at the Ottawa Carleton School District Board Talk - April 2017 

As I listened to the horrific story of Eva Olsson’s life as a Holocaust survivor, at the recent Ottawa Carleton District School Board talk to parents and students, she spoke fondly of the loving, yet simple home she and her siblings had grown up near Budapest, Hungary.  Even though they were financially poor, she said she was rich from the love and care of her mother and the discipline of her father.

This gave her a sense of security, self esteem and the confidence to survive the horrors of Auschwitz, as she had the will to live along with her sister, when most of her family perished.  What happened to her and millions of others were out of hate and prejudice that was perpetuated by Hitler and the Nazi regime.  She said, that had to come from their own family foundations.  

She insisted on the responsibility of parents to instill in them love, compassion, generosity and the courage to be a positive force in this world.  She went on to say, “teach them to participate in the world, speak up for what is right and wrong”.  She urged us not to be bystanders, as they were as culpable watching on as the genocide took place.  She echoed Martin Luther King’s words - “In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends”.

Finally, she reminded us to follow a simple rule - “when a child comes calling to you, stop whatever you are doing and give them your full attention”.  That simple act of respect, she said, lets them know they are honoured by the most significant persons in their life, which then extends to the world. 

Richard and Shelagh - CBC Photo

The next day as I was driving to Toronto, I listened with sadness to Shelagh Rogers on CBC’s Next Chapter paying a tribute to the Canadian aboriginal writer Richard Wagamese who had just passed away.

When I read his heart wrenching novel Indian Horse, I knew it came from deep within and mirrored his residential school experience.  Wagamese was a man with many demons from his own past, when he was taken away from his home at a young age.  That history spilled over to colour the relationship with his sons.

Having listened to so many first hand stories at the Truth and Reconciliation Commission hearings in Ottawa of the Canadian Indigenous people - who were plucked away as children from their homes to residential schools, to rid them of their own culture, beliefs, language and parental influence - I related to Eva Olsson’s comment about the strength and resolve she had to survive the holocaust came from the loving and safe home she had in her formative years.  She was 19 when their life got disrupted.

Wagamese addressed his own father-son relationship in his next novel Medicine Walk about a father, Eldon Starlight and his son Franklin’s story.  I sensed, this novel also emerged from deep within him.

In his interview with Shelagh Rogers, he said writing Medicine Walk, was a very personal story for the father he never met and for his own sons with whom, he had a scattered relationship with.

Wagamese sees Medicine Walk not just as his story, but as the story of any Canadian indigenous family.  He said. "The lack of a significant parent is really, really a profound sorrow, a profound loss.  It's a bruise that never really heals."

Wagamese may have had some closure with the story about him and his sons, but the story of Eldon and Franklin is far from over. "There's too much stuff in this story that could not be resolved in one novel."

Gratitude to My Parents

I feel so blessed that I had wonderful loving, generous and humble yet strong willed parents, and a gracious grandmother.  I am also fortunate that before my parents passed away, I had closure with them, giving them thanks and gratitude for what they had done for me.  Them moving on in peace was a gift to all of us.

Gabi Szabadi e mailed me after our meaningful conversation over lunch – He said “you have a wonderful life balance and you’re a complete and well rounded person”. 

That was really a tribute to my parents Chandra and Karunasena Gunaratne, grandmother Grace Violet Perera, as much as it was to Samantha, as they all taught and influenced me so much.  Gabi’s e mail, coming from a generous mentor who influences and impacts on so many young lives, meant much to me.

The most important is my ongoing deep relationship with our children and looking back, it was not all perfect.  I have no regrets, as I know I did my best to help them become strong and grounded to assert their power in their own way, yet to be loving and compassionate to live well and be resilient in an uncertain impermanent world.   

The ultimate objective as a parent is to ensure that we nurture a child to discover themselves through relationships, become a responsible adult, find the power of balance to be a good citizen to contribute, bring joy and happiness to this world.       

 “No man should bring children into the world who is unwilling to persevere to the end in their nature and education.” 

― Plato

NOTE: We were also inspired by Kahlil Gibran's wisdom on parenting which I wrote about in an earlier blog -  https://lalithanandagunaratne.blogspot.com/2014/10/set-our-children-free-to-find-their.html